I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I lost the right to judge tonight
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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