I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
