I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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