I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
