i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
