Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
