wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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