I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
