i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
