Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
