Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
