Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
