I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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