So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
