Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
