I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
i think my cat just said my name.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Randomize
