3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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