I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
