Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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