Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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