Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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