Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
