I'm sorry my penis didn't work
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
