Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
