so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
