So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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