I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
there is glitter all over my balls
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
