oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
