dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
