so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
