i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Randomize
