Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
