So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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