you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
