My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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