The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
