Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
