i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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