Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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