Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
