When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
