It's Friday. Sex?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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