They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
