just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I checked into jail on foursquare
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Randomize
