I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
