So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
