Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
