Too much gin, very little bucket
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
