you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
