I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Come share oat with me in your robe
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
