I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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